Involuntary Walkabout

Prologue: A walkabout is an Australian Aboriginal term for a spiritual journey of seeking clarity and vision—much like the Native American Vision Quest, only one does not sit still in a circle. They are turned loose in the hot, arid Outback to wander, meditate and come to their edge…and ultimately discover something.


It was purely an accident.

I was simply scouting out a hiking trail and possible hot springs for my birthday hike this coming weekend, but got way more than I ever bargained for. Up the hills, down the hills, through eucalyptus woods and across lush creeks…that part was wonderful. But the trail book I used neglected to describe certain conditions—like extremely steep and strenuous switchbacks that went on and on and on up a mountain. After an hour went by, I became increasingly exhausted.

When I finally reached the area of the hot springs, I discovered that the creek was on private property (the second time this happened within a week of looking for public hot springs). The book had also neglected to mention that, too. A nice man running by informed me that people still went past the gate to the springs anyway—and that I would find the trail down to the creek just up the hill.

Well, “just up the hill” yielded nothing but more dusty switchbacks on a dirt road. Who knew how long they would continue before the alleged trail. At that point, I was too tired to gamble with it. My legs were already numb and on auto-pilot. I would have to abandon my hot springs idea and settle for just a nice hike with my friends on Saturday.

The lovely trail book also suggested taking the “Saddle Rock” trail as a loop back to the original starting point, instead of backtracking. Hoping it would be easier than the original trail, I started up it—and it was the steepest, rockiest, dustiest trail of them all! Straight-up pitches, bend after bend. Then, just when I’d see nothing but blue sky and an apparent top of the trail, it went around a corner and pitched upward again. And again.

I was definitely coming to an edge. I was cussing like a sailor, I was on the brink of tears, I had no water with me (my stupid fault), and then negative thoughts about all my woes began to spew out of my pent-up mind. What the hell am I doing in this dry, dusty place? I miss my lush hills and woods of Ohio…I miss a true autumn...and my family…where the hell does my lifemate REALLY live, anyway…and why has it taken over half of my life to find him? How long will I have to keep waiting? I thought to myself, “I’m on a walkabout, here. Unplanned and involuntary.”

I sat down on a rock and buried my weary head in my hands. I couldn’t go another step. After catching my breath and reassuring myself that I could make it perhaps just one more switchback…I stumbled to my feet and practically crawled up the last pitch.

It ended atop a flat plateau with....a giant heart??

Yes, some local Chumash Indians had held some sort of ceremony there, and rocks were lined up in the outline of a giant heart. It was a very spiritual moment, as if the Universe were singing CSN’s “Carry on…love is coming. Love is coming to us all.”

I turned and squinted against the sun at the expansive view of the surrounding mountains, valleys, and misty ocean in the distance.

It was a moment of quiet, deep beauty. Awful as the journey was, I was supposed to be there at that moment in time.

As I doggedly made my way back down the mountain, still not feeling completely at peace, it was as if Mother Nature offered up one final emotional laxative. Around a bend in the trail, in between two scrubby bushes, sat a small, brown, adorable bunny. She looked at me with her big, brown bunny eyes and wriggled her nose. She didn’t even look afraid…I think it was her assignment. I hadn’t seen a bunny since living at my mother’s house back in May…it was like a heart connection to home.

It started with a few sobs, and then the dam broke. I’ve needed to cry for a long, long time and had to keep putting it on hold in order to stay grounded in my job of peaceful bodywork. Today was the day of letting go.

Just in time for a milestone day of another year turning over in my life.

The Family Steak-Out

Today my family is having their annual "Steak-Out." It's something that began long before I was born--because my dad had an affinity for cold-weather cookouts and would set aside a special day in fall to do just that. The family resumed the tradition in the mid-70s--usually opting to meet at a state park, so no one would have to be responsible for the clean-up in their home afterward.

Today is the first Steak-Out I will miss because I live 4000 miles away now. I still sometimes can't believe I ripped myself away from them...a large, close-knit family with every get-together being full of love, laughter, great food and memorable times. This week in particular was especially bad with the homesickness, because of the steak-out and my upcoming birthday...and just because I needed to be held by someone familiar...and related.

Just quiet observations and remembrances going on inside me...I am not in crisis, so there is no need to make comments of consolation/advice or anything like that...

Oh yeah--and today John Lennon would've been 65. Wow. So, in celebration, let me end with one of the most hopeful and inspirational lyrics he ever gave me...

Love is real, real is love,
Love is feeling, feeling love,
Love is wanting to be loved.
Love is touch, touch is love,
Love is reaching, reaching love,
Love is asking to be loved.
Love is you,
You and me,
Love is knowing,
We can be.
Love is free, free is love,
Love is living, living love,
Love is needing to be loved.

Is It Any Wonder?
(The Jaguar Theory)

“See I’ve already waited too long…and all my hope is gone.” - The Smiths

Preface: I think the reason I am hesitant to blog these days is because ever since attending Al-Anon meetings back in the day, I am used to being able to share something very personal, then have everyone simply say, "Thanks Lexie" and refrain from any advice-giving or crosstalk. Sometimes when I post things and see responses full of advice or cliches etc..it makes me wish I never posted it. Sometimes I just need to get my feelings out and be exactly where I am and just receive compassion, not instruction or projection as to what lies ahead in my life. Does that make sense? Anyway...here goes...


I am caught between two worlds.

I would very much like to meet the man who wishes to share his life with me…the man who will be my best friend and lover, my husband, my Beloved. I realize this can only happen if I truly want it to happen and let it. But I don’t think my beacon is flashing right now, and if it is—it’s not flashing very brightly.

I have finally gotten to the point of letting go of the last love in my life, but I sense that my heart is extremely guarded. Oh, it still gives and gives to friends, coworkers, clients, and dearly missed family members…but the part reserved for a Beloved is closed up tight behind more steel doors than Maxwell Smart had to walk through to get to work.

I’m like the smoker who says, “I can quit any time. I just don’t want to.” I feel I can heal anytime, as long as I surrender and be willing, but I can’t seem to conjure willingness. It seems I’ve lost my enthusiasm for the search. I am very reluctant to trust a man beyond the initial “ga-ga over Lexie” phase.

Let’s examine a few approximate quotes here, shall we? (Most of the real ones have long since been destroyed)

“You were the best teacher of all. You taught me more than I could ever hope for about my own ability to love. You have made me stronger. Through you, I experienced God.”
- First Serious Boyfriend, after our breakup, in retrospect. [A very angry, verbally abusive man—thank God I had the sense to leave…]

“I have never experienced such unconditional love from anyone before. It’s like the song New York, New York…if I can’t make it here [with you] I can’t make it anywhere. It’s time to be more open, more honest…and work toward a future with you.”

- Second Serious Boyfriend, before getting back together for the third time, then waffling another few months before leaving me for good. Total investment = 3 years.

“What was going through my mind when I saw that lovely picture of you was, ‘what was her former boyfriend thinking, walking away from her? Fool!’” [Three months later, he walked away too]

And finally, the golden one…

Me: “If you did commit to someone one day—would I be the person you’d want to commit to?”
Recent "mistake": “Of course!”


Is it any wonder I don’t feel like trusting?


Let me tell you…I’m tired of doing charity cases. I’m tired of being the teacher. I’m tired of being the inspiration. I want to walk as someone’s equal, as we both make one another’s lives more expansive and bright.

Everyone’s always telling me how special I am. Too special, apparently. I am like the shiny, expensive Jaguar that a guy drools over in the show room, then dares to take out on a test drive. They love the car! They love how it looks, how it handles, they might even envision themselves driving it off into the sunset…for all of three blocks or so, then panic sets in. Wait, they gasp. What was I thinking? I can’t afford this kind of car! I can't afford the insurance. And what if another year/make/model comes along that's better? God, I’ve got to get this back to the dealer NOW! And back I go, for the next guy to come ogle me and have a temporary fantasy that he would like to drive me away for good.

My best friend and I have studied a particular spiritual teacher who advocates the law of attraction and the “raising of vibrational levels” to attract things into your life that you desire. Every once in awhile I muster the strength to imagine what it feels like to be sleeping beside my beloved. To have him gazing across the car at me as we drive contentedly down the road, and taking my hand tenderly in his. To greet our guests that come to visit us in our cozy home. But I can’t do this very often without it feeling like I’m just going through the motions. I cannot bring myself to trust in this…not yet. I can’t even picture what kind of man he will be or what he will look like. I don’t dare to dream anymore.

I also don’t want to use this as a crutch forever—because that will only leave me stuck in this unhappy place for a long, long time. So, every day, I pray for healing. That’s all I can think to do at this point. I am not a “dater” and don’t want to just go on casual dates with this guy or that one. It is hard for me to do something as simple as share dinner with someone who I don’t even feel any chemistry for. It’s just who I am, and I don’t judge it. I’d rather stay home with my cat then just “try someone on for size.” (I don’t mean that sexually, either)

All I wanted for Christmas was a bicycle. But my cosmic Mom and Dad keep giving me Barbies, Play-doh, an Etch-a-Sketch and a Lite-Bright. They are wonderful presents, don't get me wrong--and I'm very grateful for them. But all I wanted was a bicycle.

For now, I’d just like to believe in my own inner strength to get me through this…until the willingness returns. And it will return. One day.

Thanks for listening.
Namaste!