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Location: Ohio, United States

I am on a fantastic journey, embracing life with everything I've got!

Sunday, March 25, 2007

What the FUNK?

What in the WORLD is going on in the cosmos????

I know a handful (a BIG one) of people who are enveloped in one big cloud of funk right now. Coworkers, online friends, family members back home...local friends, and myself. Many of them have the same common denominator.....struggling with the timetable of the emergence of their lifemate. We are all more than ready. We cannot listen to any more New Age bullshit about why this is, about what we're still not doing or trying, about what we're doing too much of, about the kind of signals we may or may not be sending....SHADDUP already. No one knows what it's like to be us, walking in OUR shoes on OUR path. Sometimes, there is no solace until we just get done with the frustration and tears and impatience and continue marching on through our lives that are full and wonderful...but that would be an extra 110% brighter walking beside another.

I still fully believe the law of attraction will bring that "right" person to me...but like I said...struggling with the timetable is the operative phrase.

But there are other issues. Bigger issues. Issues that sort of tie in with this and sort of don't.

Stuff is going on back home in Ohio. Big, bad ugly stuff. My brother's terminal illness is progressing to the point where his slurred speech is getting worse and his volume is getting weaker so that he can't even speak louder in order for people to understand him. His wife was forced to go back to work and cannot even spend as much time (the little they have left) with him, and with their five year-old son. She very humbly reminded family members that visits with Tony cheer him up immensely, and that either his private nurse or she could drive him over to their homes if need be.

OMFG. *flood of tears* This wasn't supposed to be how his retirement years went. He was supposed to be traveling and building his home in Gold Beach, Oregon. He was supposed to be active and healthy and able to take his son out to play ball. His wife was finally able to stay home with her only child...and then couldn't.

At Christmas, I took solace in the fact that Tony was smiling and savoring every second watching his son and enjoying family togetherness. It's what kept me from being a blubbering idiot when I was around him. Dear, loving Tony. How I wish life didn't do this to people I love.

And speaking of that, my best friend's husband is also fighting death. Early thirties, brilliant artist, father of two lovely little boys and wonderful husband....again, it sucks royally when fate deals people like him such a shitty hand. My friend went back to night school to get her MA in healthcare that she can make ends meet if the unthinkable happens. I like to keep holding a vision of him as an old man. One of those rare people on Oprah who says, "they only gave me three months, and here I am. I beat it." Oh, how I want that for my dear friend. She lost her mother to cancer....would lightning really strike TWICE?

And mother's condition (according to worrisome siblings) is getting to the point where they are trying to gently ease her toward a retirement home.

Goddammit. I so wanted her to be able to finish her days happily in her lovely Dutch Colonial home on a lovely acre of private land in a quiet suburb.

So here is what's been turning around and around in my head for the past three nights, as I lay awake unable to sleep.

Perhaps I do want to go back. Just for awhile. Just to be near all these dear, beloved people who may not be around much longer.

I'm afraid I'll regret it if I don't. But I'm afraid of what life would be like back in a place of dead ends and painful memories. Maybe it won't be so bad after all. Maybe after staying with my mom for awhile, I could eventually move to North Carolina but be close at hand---just in case.

Oh, I just don't know.

I do know what the ideal situation would be. To meet this fantastic, phenomenal, incredibly LUCKY man who will one day be my husband, who just happens to be from back east and who also wants to go back there and get a house. How perfect would THAT be? Because I'm tired of gallivanting and pioneering by myself. It was fun while it lasted, but it's a much richer blessing (to me) to share the chore (and adventure!) of survival with another--who is your best friend and lover. It took one of my sisters three tries to find someone like this--and the third time was a charm. I really am so incredibly tired of going it alone that I feel like lying down and giving up. A sit-down strike to the universe.

I have committed myself, my new business, and this dream of finding publication contacts to one more year here in California. By autumn, perhaps I'll know whether it's time to leap or not.

In the meantime, I keep walking. I keep smiling (even when I sometimes don't feel like it). I keep taking comfort in my very rewarding career and business. I find bliss in continuing to write stories. I feel deep gratitude for all the friends and loved ones in my life--local and far away.

Really, everyone is just a heartbeat away. Even my husband (that lucky, lucky bastard! I wonder if this guy even has any INKLING of how f-ing lucky he's about to become) ; )

It's good to blog again. I won't be in here everyday, but this just HAD to get out.

Namaste, y'all.


Blogger winter said...


I hear you, Lexie.

1:49 AM  
Blogger newwavegurly said...

My dear, dear friend.

I had no idea about all these other things that you were dealing with. Now I can understand why it might appeal to you to return "home" and be with them.

It's a tough decision to make. And I know what you're saying about not wanting to regret it later that you hadn't gone back. But let me say this: it might work the other way too. You might wind up regretting that you didn't stay where you are to see where life takes you. You have to live your life for you, not anyone else. So if you do start making some tough decisions, make sure you're doing it for yourself, and not anyone else. I have a hard time doing that too, but I've started to understand how and why.

You know I love you, as do all of your friends, and we'll do whatever we can to help.

Glad to have you blogging again, even if it is going to be an occasional thing.


11:44 AM  
Blogger bhd said...

I don't know the right way to say what I wish to say to you, so I'll just whisper it in a prayer and send it out on the winds.

*much love*

9:22 PM  
Blogger Anica said...

Hi Lexie,

I can't help but think about your angel that you met for a brief moment. Maybe you will see your angel again and I hope that moving back to your house will bring your many blessings and joy.

7:09 PM  

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