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Location: Ohio, United States

I am on a fantastic journey, embracing life with everything I've got!

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

Is It Any Wonder?
(The Jaguar Theory)

“See I’ve already waited too long…and all my hope is gone.” - The Smiths

Preface: I think the reason I am hesitant to blog these days is because ever since attending Al-Anon meetings back in the day, I am used to being able to share something very personal, then have everyone simply say, "Thanks Lexie" and refrain from any advice-giving or crosstalk. Sometimes when I post things and see responses full of advice or cliches makes me wish I never posted it. Sometimes I just need to get my feelings out and be exactly where I am and just receive compassion, not instruction or projection as to what lies ahead in my life. Does that make sense? goes...

I am caught between two worlds.

I would very much like to meet the man who wishes to share his life with me…the man who will be my best friend and lover, my husband, my Beloved. I realize this can only happen if I truly want it to happen and let it. But I don’t think my beacon is flashing right now, and if it is—it’s not flashing very brightly.

I have finally gotten to the point of letting go of the last love in my life, but I sense that my heart is extremely guarded. Oh, it still gives and gives to friends, coworkers, clients, and dearly missed family members…but the part reserved for a Beloved is closed up tight behind more steel doors than Maxwell Smart had to walk through to get to work.

I’m like the smoker who says, “I can quit any time. I just don’t want to.” I feel I can heal anytime, as long as I surrender and be willing, but I can’t seem to conjure willingness. It seems I’ve lost my enthusiasm for the search. I am very reluctant to trust a man beyond the initial “ga-ga over Lexie” phase.

Let’s examine a few approximate quotes here, shall we? (Most of the real ones have long since been destroyed)

“You were the best teacher of all. You taught me more than I could ever hope for about my own ability to love. You have made me stronger. Through you, I experienced God.”
- First Serious Boyfriend, after our breakup, in retrospect. [A very angry, verbally abusive man—thank God I had the sense to leave…]

“I have never experienced such unconditional love from anyone before. It’s like the song New York, New York…if I can’t make it here [with you] I can’t make it anywhere. It’s time to be more open, more honest…and work toward a future with you.”

- Second Serious Boyfriend, before getting back together for the third time, then waffling another few months before leaving me for good. Total investment = 3 years.

“What was going through my mind when I saw that lovely picture of you was, ‘what was her former boyfriend thinking, walking away from her? Fool!’” [Three months later, he walked away too]

And finally, the golden one…

Me: “If you did commit to someone one day—would I be the person you’d want to commit to?”
Recent "mistake": “Of course!”

Is it any wonder I don’t feel like trusting?

Let me tell you…I’m tired of doing charity cases. I’m tired of being the teacher. I’m tired of being the inspiration. I want to walk as someone’s equal, as we both make one another’s lives more expansive and bright.

Everyone’s always telling me how special I am. Too special, apparently. I am like the shiny, expensive Jaguar that a guy drools over in the show room, then dares to take out on a test drive. They love the car! They love how it looks, how it handles, they might even envision themselves driving it off into the sunset…for all of three blocks or so, then panic sets in. Wait, they gasp. What was I thinking? I can’t afford this kind of car! I can't afford the insurance. And what if another year/make/model comes along that's better? God, I’ve got to get this back to the dealer NOW! And back I go, for the next guy to come ogle me and have a temporary fantasy that he would like to drive me away for good.

My best friend and I have studied a particular spiritual teacher who advocates the law of attraction and the “raising of vibrational levels” to attract things into your life that you desire. Every once in awhile I muster the strength to imagine what it feels like to be sleeping beside my beloved. To have him gazing across the car at me as we drive contentedly down the road, and taking my hand tenderly in his. To greet our guests that come to visit us in our cozy home. But I can’t do this very often without it feeling like I’m just going through the motions. I cannot bring myself to trust in this…not yet. I can’t even picture what kind of man he will be or what he will look like. I don’t dare to dream anymore.

I also don’t want to use this as a crutch forever—because that will only leave me stuck in this unhappy place for a long, long time. So, every day, I pray for healing. That’s all I can think to do at this point. I am not a “dater” and don’t want to just go on casual dates with this guy or that one. It is hard for me to do something as simple as share dinner with someone who I don’t even feel any chemistry for. It’s just who I am, and I don’t judge it. I’d rather stay home with my cat then just “try someone on for size.” (I don’t mean that sexually, either)

All I wanted for Christmas was a bicycle. But my cosmic Mom and Dad keep giving me Barbies, Play-doh, an Etch-a-Sketch and a Lite-Bright. They are wonderful presents, don't get me wrong--and I'm very grateful for them. But all I wanted was a bicycle.

For now, I’d just like to believe in my own inner strength to get me through this…until the willingness returns. And it will return. One day.

Thanks for listening.


Blogger newwavegurly said...

My dear, dear friend.

I relate to much of what you've posted here. Getting hurt and being heartbroken (because even if we do the ending of the relationship, we often wind up hurting) are just cause for staying closed up... at least for a little while. I fear that I've remained closed up for too long myself, and will have a difficult time loving, and being loved back. I wrote a blog entry very much related to this, I just haven't posted it yet. Perhaps today's the day...


1:37 PM  
Blogger bhd said...

Thanks, Lexie! You've made me think about how my past experiences have colored my thoughts and expectations, and whether that is fair or not. And how odd it is how closed I am right now. I've always been the gal who's ripped the band-aid off heedless of the pain, knowing that's how healing best happens, and yet now, I want to keep in on just a bit longer. I see I have my work cut out for me. Love you, girlfriend!

2:17 PM  
Blogger ResearchGuy® said...

Am I a sucker? Do I liver for the pain? Am I alone because it is what I am used to and subconciously torpedo my own relationships? Guh - who knows. Maybe the wanting is more rewarding than the getting and got?

11:35 PM  
Blogger Melanie said...

wow lexie. powerful admittance here! you know that i am feeling you 100% right now.

i too open myself full on to any realtionship i am in. its a wonderful feeling to know that you are being yourself and someone is admiring that. but like you said it will leave a bitter taste in your mouth when over. i am hurting once again, because i opened myself up again, this time even further because i had absolutely no expectations. and was hurt when i realized i did have expectations. there is the rub for me.

but imagine the kind of man that would walk through your door if you continure to remain at the mercy of your disillusionment? there is a propeling vision if i ever saw one.

i hope you are walking in the light again soon. it hurts my heart to see you in pain. healing is part of the process. damn it all!

for now a hug from me. :hug:


4:31 AM  
Blogger ~Just Michelle~ said...

No words, dear friend. Just a gazilion hugs and half as many soft sighs.

All for you.

Much love to you my cyber~soul~sister.


8:49 PM  

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