My "Project"

So for the last month and a half, I've experimented with an online dating site. Mostly, it's been amusing.

I was a little put off by how time consuming it is...going through profile after profile seeing who's even remotely attractive to me, getting sent "matches"...too damn much time at the computer. I could be out looking in person (and would rather be).

But I did this for myself because I was feeling all kinds of resistance to it, so figured I'd shove myself outside my comfort zone. And it's always nice to say you "tried" and left no stone unturned.

But here are the things that amused me...these "matches" that they send you are ridiculous. "We thought you would be compatible with this person because you both don't like body piercing!" Heh. Yeah, there's a foundation for a GREAT relationship. LOL.

Then there's the photo-phobes. The guys who post profiles and not pictures irritate the hell outta me. I want to see who I'm talking to. If you don't post your picture, it makes me think you've got something to hide, are paranoid or insecure. And who wants THAT kinda guy? As my Wonder Twin says, fair is fair. I post, you post.

Now the ones who DO post their photos...why the hell do they post a picture of themselves all huggy-kissy with other women? Don't they want to appear unattached? Or is it some ploy to showcase their popularity with the wimmins? One guy even had his left hand very prominant in the foreground with a gold band on! DUH!!!

The non-responders piss me off, too. If I email them to say hi--and get nothing back, not even a no thank you...I consider that in bad form. The men who've contacted me ALL get a no thankyou or even a well-crafted no-thankyou-email saying that I'm very honored you winked at me, but I feel no connection. My friend who had no luck with a dating site said some of them have profiles but aren't paying--and thus, cannot contact you. So you know what? They're cheap bastards and not worthy of my love EITHER! Ha!

Then there's the needy, persistent, stalker-material guys. They seem WAY too eager..."gosh, I have a soccer match to go to this weekend, would you consider attending it with me, then I can take you to dinner?" Um...excuse me, WHO are you and what was your name? I haven't even spoken with you and you're already making plans for us and sending me all your personal contact info? And if I send someone the aforementioned "no thank you" email, I sometimes get..."But...WHY don't you like me? Can't we just talk? Can't we meet in case you FEEL a connection?"

Dude. I can tell from your picture if I'm going to be the least bit attracted to you. And I'm not asking for Matthew McConnaughey gorgeous, here....I just have to like how you look first. Chemistry is very important to me.

I think I have the most respect for the blatantly honest guys. The guys who say, "I'm into some wild times and great chemistry." He's there to get laid, and he's not being all flowery and mysterious about it. He won't lead some poor "I'm looking for my soulmate" woman down the wrong path. Kudos to you, Mr. Fuckbuddy! *applause*

*sigh*

My one success story...a walk on the beach with a very nice guy in my town. But I got the distinct impression he felt no romantic ties...never really followed up afterward. It's okay--he was really nice, but I felt no tingly possibilities. He'd be a great hiking buddy if we ever continue our friendship.

It was a nice experiment, but I can't wait til it's over. The "crossing paths naturally and non-contrived" method has always worked for me...and I completely trust that. It may not happen on my timetable, but so be it.

It's been great, it's been fun...but I can't wait til it's OVER!

:)

We Will Rise Again...and again...and again

Easter Sunday. The very mention of it makes my spirit soar. It conjures images of sun bursting through clouds, souls rising, death being conquered, and pure love being lavished upon humankind by its Higher Power.

When I was a practicing Catholic, Lent/Easter used to be a monumental time of renewal for me. Rather than do the whole "give something up" thing, I focused on patterns in my life I could do to make myself an even better person. Ways to take care of my body, mind and spirit. Sometimes I just do that anyway, no matter what time of year it is. Every once in awhile, there are symbolic "deaths" in our life, and then we rise again--reborn into a new aspect of ourselves, of life, of a way of thinking...the possibilities are endless.

I decided I wanted to do my C&E Catholic thing (Christmas and Easter, for those who've never heard of that) and go to Mass. I found a very contemporary parish right down the street from my apartment, that played contemporary music (digitally enhanced to make the guitarist and vocalist sound like a whole band). It was strange going back to Mass after being away from it an entire year. Some of the rituals and spiritual truths still fed my soul...but when the dogma reared its ugly head, it reminded me of just how much going back to that religion feels like a grad student stepping back into the fifth grade or something. I have embraced so many higher levels of enlightenment about what God is, about the Oneness of everyone...about manifesting our own wellbeing and desires...

But the whole meaning of Easter still grabbed me. Conquering death, rising again...they played all my favorite "rise again" songs, and songs that I hadn't heard in years...I reconnected with a part of myself that I didn't know was so deeply ingrained. It felt healing...after existing in this land so far away from my old life and my Clan.

And boy was I homesick this weekend. Melanie and I saw an ensemble of musicians jamming in a park this week--using all the familiar bluegrass instruments that my family used whenever they'd get together for a songfest on holidays/vacations etc.. I couldn't even stand next to them very long before having a total meltdown. It was the sound of "home" and family.

Being far away from my family, to whom I'm VERY close...was a huge price to pay for adventure and change. I still don't regret it, but man is it ever hard sometimes.

So, before trudging off to work on Easter Sunday (rather than kicking back and enjoy my family, as I've done for years and years) I called my mom's house where they were all gathered and asked them all say hello. It felt so soothing to my heart and soul. Their voices were like a chorale. I got to talk to a few people individually before my cell phone cut out, and it sincerely helped me get through the rest of the day.

Tonight, as I reflect on all this, I know that every new day can be a rebirth. A resurrection. I will leave you with this prayer by Marianne Williamson that I always used to use as a mantra, upon waking up.

God, thank you for this new day...it's beauty, it's light...thank you for my chance to begin again. Free me from the limitations of yesterday. Today, may I be reborn. May I be more fully a reflection of your grace and beauty. Show me the light in myself and others. Let me know deep peace, so that I may serve you more deeply. Amen.

Tomorrow I am sending ten submission packages to publishers, containing all the materials for the children's book I created with an artist. I have all the hope in the world that this book will go on to serve children, parents and teachers everywhere. If it be for the highest good of all involved, let it happen.

Namaste.