The "Sarah" Medicine

Tonight as I fixed dinner, I listened to Sarah McLachlan's very first CD "Touch." I bought it back in 1988, when she was relatively unknown (unless you listened to college or indie radio), and her voice was so high and pure and sweet and youthful.

One thing that always amazed me was how deep she could be at aged 19, and how much pain she had faced by that tender age.

I listened to it for the entire summer of 1989, when I weathered the first "you just want to curl up and die" heartbreaks of my life.

Tonight, my heart is in some incredible pain, and so I retrieved the Sarah Medicine...there are songs on that CD in which her voice reaches down into my chest and gently strokes that heart. And it needs it, believe me. There are so many ways in which it can love and be loved and give and be joyous....and it has...but in the area of romantic love, the vault door is locked up tight. I don't know where the key went.

A good friend told me once, "soothe yourself and the world soothes around you." So let the soothing continue...

My Kaleidoscope Life

I used to be the kind of person who needed order and routine and a good firm foundation under me in order to function. So when I had my regular 8-5 jobs, a house, a network of friends and family from which to draw love, comfort and support, and the occasional long-term relationship as icing on the cake......all was good. All was well. I was free to go out, explore, try new things, but come back to familiar. The most important thing in my life was my relationships with people I love.

It seems like in the last decade, my life has been like a turning kaleidoscope. Nothing has EVER stayed the same for more than a couple of years at a time. I changed careers three times...two long-term relationships ended, and now I have completely moved myself to a new environment without the network of support I so relied on.

I feel like I'm on an emotional Vision Quest of sorts. I feel something deep inside growing even stronger and wiser as a result of toughing it out on my own. This past week was incredibly hard, emotionally, with several upsetting things going on. And there was no mom to run to...no sister's warm loving arms to hug, no best friend down the street to cuddle up with on her couch and have tea....I was walking the beach feeling lost and afraid. But stronger at the same time. Even calling people didn't bring complete solace--because I was craving physical closeness of loved ones.

There is a reason for this journey (and inner journey), and I know it's a good one.

I am not making enough money to live on yet--which still worries me--so I have given myself some peace of mind by deciding to take a little from an IRA account. (Yes, I know I'll pay penalties-blah blah blah but I simply do NOT want to borrow money, because it will be years until I can repay it. ) So....with much hope and faith, I just look forward to making enough money in July-August to pay the next round of bills.

Also, something I've always felt about myself that still holds true, because it is a core part of who I am, is that although I am independent and can function on my own...and feel my life is complete...the most important thing to me is finding a mate to walk through the rest of life with. I am "mate" material, through and through. I have visions of being this man's best friend and he mine...and doing our own respective things, and doing things together. Supporting each other's endeavors, sharing a home, kissing each other goodnight. Showing affection, laughing together, and being passionate lovers. Even after years go by...

I see us growing old together either in the mountains or by the sea (or both), and having lots of friends that come and go in our home...who we love and who love us....

And I see peace in our lives. Peace that we've earned.

Does this sound familiar, BHD? I hope you don't mind me saying it, but your relationship with Hobbitt was a great role model for me. I mean that from the bottom of my heart. I think it was the main reason I was called to visit you over New Years...almost like God saying, "That is what you deserve. Take notes...and learn."

Until this happens in my life, I'll continue to walk in grace and slowly develop within...the part of myself that will attract it right to me like a beautiful magnet. And then there will be TWO lovely kaleidoscopes turning side by side.

Namaste.

Dances With Dolphins

I was taking an evening walk on the beach yesterday...it had been a particularly rough day mentally, as no work came in (again) and I panicked about money and survival in my new town.

A call came earlier from my sister (just as I hit my rock bottom), and she talked me back to my peaceful center and into a more hopeful place.

But the ocean was the icing on the cake that day--because I always draw strength from its awesome beauty and power. And that particular evening, I was given SUCH a huge gift.

It's no secret that the Channel Islands are teeming with dolphins, but every time I look out from the shore and catch a glimpse of a shiny gray dorsal fin, I get so excited. And there they were, right when I got to the shore--but wait! Were there....??...wow! About seven, lolling and arcing and circling one another. After another few minutes, more and more dolphins came to the party--I counted at least a dozen. Some skitted across the water like Flipper used to--others arced through the air and crossed midway...a bunch put their little bottle-noses together in a circle...still others did leapfrog or a waltz with one another. They were dancing. They were like a dolphin version of the June Taylor Dancers. Or Olympic Synchronized Swimming. I have never seen anything so lovely (in the ocean) in all my life. And I'd like to think the timing was sacred...that God/the Universe knew I needed that kind of beauty just then.

As if that wasn't good enough, I suddenly saw a black labrador dog's head surface. Hmmm...I didn't remember seeing a dog go running for a stick. I turned to look down the beach, and there were no dog owners anywhere in sight. I stood alone. I looked back in wonder....it was a seal! Looking right at me. If he'd raised a flipper and waved, I wouldn't have been surprised. I felt more enchanted in that moment than Snow White!

They had all come to visit me, to reassure me that I was in the right place--exactly where I'm supposed to be.

"Dolphin is the keeper of sacred breath of life, and teaches us how to release emotions through...breath..."

- Jamie Sams, Medicine Cards

According to certain Native American animal lore, dolphin comes to you to remind you to breathe, to pace yourself, to connect with the Divine and bring answers to your own questions.

The answer I got was...give it time to blossom. And don't be afraid.

I thought about answering a Help Wanted ad at a local drugstore...*sigh*...even though it would be nice to give 100% of myself to building my business.

Today I made lots of great contacts and networking associates...and am hoping it yields lots of opportunity!

Namaste. I honor the light in you all.