Involuntary Walkabout

Prologue: A walkabout is an Australian Aboriginal term for a spiritual journey of seeking clarity and vision—much like the Native American Vision Quest, only one does not sit still in a circle. They are turned loose in the hot, arid Outback to wander, meditate and come to their edge…and ultimately discover something.


It was purely an accident.

I was simply scouting out a hiking trail and possible hot springs for my birthday hike this coming weekend, but got way more than I ever bargained for. Up the hills, down the hills, through eucalyptus woods and across lush creeks…that part was wonderful. But the trail book I used neglected to describe certain conditions—like extremely steep and strenuous switchbacks that went on and on and on up a mountain. After an hour went by, I became increasingly exhausted.

When I finally reached the area of the hot springs, I discovered that the creek was on private property (the second time this happened within a week of looking for public hot springs). The book had also neglected to mention that, too. A nice man running by informed me that people still went past the gate to the springs anyway—and that I would find the trail down to the creek just up the hill.

Well, “just up the hill” yielded nothing but more dusty switchbacks on a dirt road. Who knew how long they would continue before the alleged trail. At that point, I was too tired to gamble with it. My legs were already numb and on auto-pilot. I would have to abandon my hot springs idea and settle for just a nice hike with my friends on Saturday.

The lovely trail book also suggested taking the “Saddle Rock” trail as a loop back to the original starting point, instead of backtracking. Hoping it would be easier than the original trail, I started up it—and it was the steepest, rockiest, dustiest trail of them all! Straight-up pitches, bend after bend. Then, just when I’d see nothing but blue sky and an apparent top of the trail, it went around a corner and pitched upward again. And again.

I was definitely coming to an edge. I was cussing like a sailor, I was on the brink of tears, I had no water with me (my stupid fault), and then negative thoughts about all my woes began to spew out of my pent-up mind. What the hell am I doing in this dry, dusty place? I miss my lush hills and woods of Ohio…I miss a true autumn...and my family…where the hell does my lifemate REALLY live, anyway…and why has it taken over half of my life to find him? How long will I have to keep waiting? I thought to myself, “I’m on a walkabout, here. Unplanned and involuntary.”

I sat down on a rock and buried my weary head in my hands. I couldn’t go another step. After catching my breath and reassuring myself that I could make it perhaps just one more switchback…I stumbled to my feet and practically crawled up the last pitch.

It ended atop a flat plateau with....a giant heart??

Yes, some local Chumash Indians had held some sort of ceremony there, and rocks were lined up in the outline of a giant heart. It was a very spiritual moment, as if the Universe were singing CSN’s “Carry on…love is coming. Love is coming to us all.”

I turned and squinted against the sun at the expansive view of the surrounding mountains, valleys, and misty ocean in the distance.

It was a moment of quiet, deep beauty. Awful as the journey was, I was supposed to be there at that moment in time.

As I doggedly made my way back down the mountain, still not feeling completely at peace, it was as if Mother Nature offered up one final emotional laxative. Around a bend in the trail, in between two scrubby bushes, sat a small, brown, adorable bunny. She looked at me with her big, brown bunny eyes and wriggled her nose. She didn’t even look afraid…I think it was her assignment. I hadn’t seen a bunny since living at my mother’s house back in May…it was like a heart connection to home.

It started with a few sobs, and then the dam broke. I’ve needed to cry for a long, long time and had to keep putting it on hold in order to stay grounded in my job of peaceful bodywork. Today was the day of letting go.

Just in time for a milestone day of another year turning over in my life.