A Crossroads
Many summers ago, me and my best friend Martha were observing a very auspicious day in astrology. It was a significant day for many people across the board--but she and I were on the brink of huge changes in our lives.
To celebrate, we hiked into one of our favorite pine forests(which we miraculously had to ourselves that afternoon), drummed on fallen pine trunks, danced, sang and acted like kids. Then we did a "death meditation." She learned about it in her yoga teacher training...and it is simply to lie down in a meditative state and begin to imagine all that you have, all that you are, everyone you love, going away. Until there is nothing left but your soul & God. Much like dying. We did it as a sort of purification. It was a very powerful and transforming meditation.
Today, I feel like a death meditation is actually happening in my life. I am without many things/people/places that I'd come to rely on for support, for belonging, for a sense of safety...and I'm feeling it. Big time.
I miss my mother so badly I can hardly breathe sometimes. Mother's Day signs are everywhere, and they make me cry. This will be the first one I haven't celebrated with her since the day I was born.
I miss my family and friends from back in Ohio. Yes, I have new ones now--and I'm very grateful for them--but I do miss the others with whom I share a great history. Who know me very well.
I miss my husband. Yeah, you heard me--my husband. If you look at time as Einstein did--the whole relativity thing--there is a man who is my husband, out there somewhere, and I am his wife and we don't know each other yet. I imagine he's feeling the same void I am...and wondering what the hell is taking me so long.
I feel disillusioned about my dream of finding a holistic place or a private practice in which to do my healing arts and bodywork. In order to do that, I would most likely need a mate to help hold down the fort--or for my novels to sell and make me lots of extra money. But I still would not want to have that home by the sea without a lifemate. Who wants to live alone in a rugged coastal countryside? Not me. Not when I could be cooking with him, doing our respective crafts in companionable silence together around the house, and making passionate love on the sun deck or the beach!
I've considered living in Asheville, NC. It is a huge holistic center, with very spiritual and cultural people. Yes, it's also in the bible belt and KKK country...but in the city proper, I'd be safe. And I have relatives in the area. And the Blue Ridge Mts. are gorgeous.
I'm not going to do anything anytime soon without thinking it over long and hard. Weighing everything out. But I am standing at one of the largest crossroads of my life, without a clue.
This is where I'm really going to count on the Divine. I'll do my part--I'll continue to work and be abundant, to write and pursue publication, to keep doing things I love to do and meeting new people...and being loving and patient and compassionate. Most importantly, with myself.
A visit to a therapist yielded some good news: I'm doing all the right things. There's almost little reason for me to be going. But we're going to explore whether or not some leftover "absentee dad" crap is still affecting my life and my relationships.
My heart feels damaged.
When the cast comes off (one of my friends says new love can happen while my heart is still IN the cast and help it heal completely) I will have to just blindly trust again. And manifest a man who means what he says, loves consistently, and is OVERJOYED to share his life with me. This will happen when--and only when--it's meant to.
In the meantime, I get to deal with the human rollercoaster emotions. There are up days and down days. Today was WAY down.
You know what I need right now? Just some compassion. Just acceptance of where I'm at in this particular moment. And some good energy. And you can sign my cast if you like, too!
If you're still reading (after this HUGE missive), thank you.
To celebrate, we hiked into one of our favorite pine forests(which we miraculously had to ourselves that afternoon), drummed on fallen pine trunks, danced, sang and acted like kids. Then we did a "death meditation." She learned about it in her yoga teacher training...and it is simply to lie down in a meditative state and begin to imagine all that you have, all that you are, everyone you love, going away. Until there is nothing left but your soul & God. Much like dying. We did it as a sort of purification. It was a very powerful and transforming meditation.
Today, I feel like a death meditation is actually happening in my life. I am without many things/people/places that I'd come to rely on for support, for belonging, for a sense of safety...and I'm feeling it. Big time.
I miss my mother so badly I can hardly breathe sometimes. Mother's Day signs are everywhere, and they make me cry. This will be the first one I haven't celebrated with her since the day I was born.
I miss my family and friends from back in Ohio. Yes, I have new ones now--and I'm very grateful for them--but I do miss the others with whom I share a great history. Who know me very well.
I miss my husband. Yeah, you heard me--my husband. If you look at time as Einstein did--the whole relativity thing--there is a man who is my husband, out there somewhere, and I am his wife and we don't know each other yet. I imagine he's feeling the same void I am...and wondering what the hell is taking me so long.
I feel disillusioned about my dream of finding a holistic place or a private practice in which to do my healing arts and bodywork. In order to do that, I would most likely need a mate to help hold down the fort--or for my novels to sell and make me lots of extra money. But I still would not want to have that home by the sea without a lifemate. Who wants to live alone in a rugged coastal countryside? Not me. Not when I could be cooking with him, doing our respective crafts in companionable silence together around the house, and making passionate love on the sun deck or the beach!
I've considered living in Asheville, NC. It is a huge holistic center, with very spiritual and cultural people. Yes, it's also in the bible belt and KKK country...but in the city proper, I'd be safe. And I have relatives in the area. And the Blue Ridge Mts. are gorgeous.
I'm not going to do anything anytime soon without thinking it over long and hard. Weighing everything out. But I am standing at one of the largest crossroads of my life, without a clue.
This is where I'm really going to count on the Divine. I'll do my part--I'll continue to work and be abundant, to write and pursue publication, to keep doing things I love to do and meeting new people...and being loving and patient and compassionate. Most importantly, with myself.
A visit to a therapist yielded some good news: I'm doing all the right things. There's almost little reason for me to be going. But we're going to explore whether or not some leftover "absentee dad" crap is still affecting my life and my relationships.
My heart feels damaged.
When the cast comes off (one of my friends says new love can happen while my heart is still IN the cast and help it heal completely) I will have to just blindly trust again. And manifest a man who means what he says, loves consistently, and is OVERJOYED to share his life with me. This will happen when--and only when--it's meant to.In the meantime, I get to deal with the human rollercoaster emotions. There are up days and down days. Today was WAY down.
You know what I need right now? Just some compassion. Just acceptance of where I'm at in this particular moment. And some good energy. And you can sign my cast if you like, too!
If you're still reading (after this HUGE missive), thank you.
posted by Alexandra | 3:30 AM
3 Comments:
Hi Lexie,
I am at a loss because things happen for a reason.
You really need to follow your heart and soul. The place that it leads will find your true happiness.
I am here if you ever need me. :hug:
You never, ever, have to just blindly trust a man. Trust has to be earned. You just need to trust that you will be open to new possibilities, and trust that you will be intact regardless of what happens. You know, in your heart of hearts, what didn't work, and you'll be watching out for that. It's not blind trust. It's self-knowledge, and it's a powerful thing.
Maybe the dilemma you find yourself in is simpler than it looks. That you experience the beautiful place where you reside through the lens of a past relationship will cloud everything about it and distance you from direct experience. How will that be different in North Carolina, other than a lack of shared history? You need to be happy with yourself before a place will make you happy.
Oops. Sorry about the soapbox. It's like we're still talking on the phone. Forgive me.
Mistaken Identity
The way I came to see you spoke of oceans at the shore,
The rousing lift of breaking foam that covered powers deep.
You trapped me under billowed waves that rocked me to the core.
And soon my frail-taught solitude lulled itself to sleep.
But now a full and balanced soul has show it’s other side.
You aren’t the goddess walking, you’re just a woman child.
You suffer from imperfect form and suffer from a pride,
That forces you to make a stand with grievances compiled.
Mistakes were made by both of us, I guess I made the most.
I wanted to share with you my truths but I find I only lied.
Too soon the spark of laughters, lost, will haunt me like a ghost,
And all I hoped we’d be together will be but wounded pride.
Though once I’d hoped to live with you I guess I never will.
We couldn’t find a middle-ground between us we could tend.
And any cure to what we were would be a bitter pill.
So now I’m left with these regrets that only time can mend.
So now you know my fairy wraith of fantasy and fact,
I wish you well and never hope you look to me in sorrow.
I’ll try to keep from wondering just what is was we lacked
But I know I’ll miss a fairy wraith in the dreams I dream tomorrow.
~S.A.M. Tanner
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