My Kaleidoscope Life

I used to be the kind of person who needed order and routine and a good firm foundation under me in order to function. So when I had my regular 8-5 jobs, a house, a network of friends and family from which to draw love, comfort and support, and the occasional long-term relationship as icing on the cake......all was good. All was well. I was free to go out, explore, try new things, but come back to familiar. The most important thing in my life was my relationships with people I love.

It seems like in the last decade, my life has been like a turning kaleidoscope. Nothing has EVER stayed the same for more than a couple of years at a time. I changed careers three times...two long-term relationships ended, and now I have completely moved myself to a new environment without the network of support I so relied on.

I feel like I'm on an emotional Vision Quest of sorts. I feel something deep inside growing even stronger and wiser as a result of toughing it out on my own. This past week was incredibly hard, emotionally, with several upsetting things going on. And there was no mom to run to...no sister's warm loving arms to hug, no best friend down the street to cuddle up with on her couch and have tea....I was walking the beach feeling lost and afraid. But stronger at the same time. Even calling people didn't bring complete solace--because I was craving physical closeness of loved ones.

There is a reason for this journey (and inner journey), and I know it's a good one.

I am not making enough money to live on yet--which still worries me--so I have given myself some peace of mind by deciding to take a little from an IRA account. (Yes, I know I'll pay penalties-blah blah blah but I simply do NOT want to borrow money, because it will be years until I can repay it. ) So....with much hope and faith, I just look forward to making enough money in July-August to pay the next round of bills.

Also, something I've always felt about myself that still holds true, because it is a core part of who I am, is that although I am independent and can function on my own...and feel my life is complete...the most important thing to me is finding a mate to walk through the rest of life with. I am "mate" material, through and through. I have visions of being this man's best friend and he mine...and doing our own respective things, and doing things together. Supporting each other's endeavors, sharing a home, kissing each other goodnight. Showing affection, laughing together, and being passionate lovers. Even after years go by...

I see us growing old together either in the mountains or by the sea (or both), and having lots of friends that come and go in our home...who we love and who love us....

And I see peace in our lives. Peace that we've earned.

Does this sound familiar, BHD? I hope you don't mind me saying it, but your relationship with Hobbitt was a great role model for me. I mean that from the bottom of my heart. I think it was the main reason I was called to visit you over New Years...almost like God saying, "That is what you deserve. Take notes...and learn."

Until this happens in my life, I'll continue to walk in grace and slowly develop within...the part of myself that will attract it right to me like a beautiful magnet. And then there will be TWO lovely kaleidoscopes turning side by side.

Namaste.