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I am on a fantastic journey, embracing life with everything I've got!

Saturday, March 04, 2006

That Lost Feeling Again

I've been recuping from a small cold virus tonight--getting lots of editing done on my novel. But thoughts keep plaguing me, and some revelation is coming about why I've felt so melancholy today.

I've been having flashbacks of the different segments of my life. Working in my classroom as a teacher (if you'd told me, five years ago, that I'd be a massage therapist in California in the next five years...I'd have thought you were nuts!)

Even life with my long-term boyfriend of about 3 years ago seems like eons ago.

I'm almost 40 years old...and every once in awhile, when I'm not staying in the blissful moment and going profoundly deep with my thinking....I wonder what the hell I'm doing here and where I'm supposed to be.

The vision of working in a holistic bodywork places seems adrift at sea and nowhere near happening...I don't want to work in a spa forever...I'm content with being a writer...but I feel very alone in the world.

How I yearned to be settled in a home with a mate by now--and every other scenario I try on feels like just that--trying on clothes that are partly what I want, mostly what I want, not even close to what I want...and never the "just right" fit.

Sometimes all the fun things I involve myself with just feel like consolation prizes. The little platic toys that one gets when you are not the birthday girl or boy.

Don't get me wrong. I'm grateful for all the blessings life has handed me this year, and I've been living very fully...but I don't feel settled. And it makes me feel sad that I may be a long way off from being settled, because this will involve the free will of another, and the direction of his life too.

I guess every now and then we experience a little human doubt or maybe impatience. No platitudes or advice are necessary, here...I am merely thinking out loud. And feeling sickly does indeed lend itself to hopelessness and despair.

Well, one thing at a time. First, I will focus on healing my body. Then my psyche.


Blogger bhd said...

Yeah. The mystery doesn't always feel so divine, does it?

12:23 PM  
Blogger Melanie said...

i was sitting on my porch today in the sun thinking marriage. husband. putting that on to see how it felt. I am not sure that is even what i want at this moment. Or if it will come.

the tsunami of love tends to be alot for anyone to drink in. and i don't want to comprimise that in order to feel settled. nope. that force is mighty, and deserves wide open spaces.

but if that is the destiny of my life, i will gladly accept it as i have accepted my loneliness. Being with someone is not always a together feeling for me. Sometimes that is lonelier than being alone.

a few of the memsahib thoughts to your post. Love you!


5:18 PM  
Blogger joseph said...

All I gots is platituds and advice. Well, not mine exactly, but P & A nonetheless. As always, take what you want and leave the rest. ;-) Hugs to you.


Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter; for always
there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to
shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life
keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery,
and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.

Max Ehrmann

1:44 AM  
Blogger redpig77 said...


12:40 PM  

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